Who am I?

"Who am I?" is probably one of life's most frequently asked questions. I am sure everyone has questioned who they truly are at some point in their life. Whether you have been looking into a career change, you are questioning your sexuality, your faith, your spirituality. Who you are is questioned often, and usually by yourself.

My version of "who am I?" stems much deeper then figuring out a preference or a belief and it fills me with worry and dread every single day.

The truth is, I struggle to remember who I was before depression. I know that the last time I was truly depression free was at the age of 11/12, before I went to secondary school (or as I like to call it, before hell on earth). I know that I liked music as I was in a brass band. I knew I liked art but was never as good as I wished to be. I struggled to spell and hated maths. I know I lied about my reading ability as I was ashamed that I could not read quickly. I know I liked to do what I could to make others smile. All of this is still true, but I still do not know who I truly am.

I can state facts:

• I'm gay.
• I'm fat.
• I'm quite tall.
• I have big feet.
• I have hazel green eyes.
• I have brown hair.

But these facts do not tell me who I am. 

I exist, but is that enough?

Depression takes a lot away from you. It effects more then just your mood. If you have never experienced depression or known someone who has suffered intimately, you may not know how bad depression can be. 

For me depression has taken a lot away from me. My memory is terrible. I struggle to sleep. My mind has no "off switch" and constantly races with thoughts and feelings. I physically ache; my joints, my head, my eyes. Everything hurts at some point or another. I have no control of my mood. It isn't all crying and being sad. Sure there are times when I sob and don't really know why, but more times then not I feel like I need to cry but can't. I physically cannot cry and it makes me so mad. SO ANGRY. I can cry for other people but not for me...all of this is just a tiny part of how depression effects me on a daily basis. 

Now imagine going through all that when you are trying to figure out who you are. All through hell on earth I was supposed to be growing and developing and learning, not just about the world but about who I am too. This couldn't happen for me as I spent the whole time pretending to be someone who I am not. I pretended to be the happy, jolly Becca a lot of people know me to be. I have had so many messages from people saying that they had no clue before this blog that I was suffering in such a sever way, and that is because I perfected the art of being okay when I wasn't.

As I continue to grow all I know is how to show that I am okay when I am not. Maybe useful in a business setting when an angry boss is yelling at you, sure I could deal with that but now I need to do completely the opposite. I need to show how I am feeling.

If I want to beat this I need to be true to who I am...but after years of perfecting a character for myself I don't know who that is. I feel like I am a completely blank canvas...and it is terrifying.

So please bear with me because there are many changes I need to make in myself. From being more open and more true to who I am, to allowing myself to care about myself. The scariest of all these changes is allowing myself to be a person. To not just exist in a state of limbo, but to truly find out who I am...because the truth is...I HAVE NO CLUE OF WHO I AM...but I know I need to find the time to find out.

Thank you for taking the time to read, sending positive thoughts you way,

Rebecca :)