Myself and Charlotte have been together 19 months and have known each other for 2 years. In our time together we have been through things that some married couples may not have even faced. Well that is what my councillor tells me. Charlotte has seen the best of me, I like to believe she brings the best out of me, but Charlotte has also seen me at rock bottom. During our time together I have had some of the darkest days of my life. There have been days when Charlotte has had to pick me up off the floor and hold me whilst I sob. There sometimes is no reason for my tears, or I can't explain the pain I feel, Charlotte only holds me tighter. I always apologise as I hate the thought of hurting her, but I know that every time I cry it pains her. Sometimes we end up crying together, and it ends up being a massive circle of tears as I cry when Charlotte cries and Charlotte cries when I cry.
Now you may be reading this and thinking "soft sod's", but the truth is, our relationship is very strong because of our ability to confide in each other and that is what I believe set's us apart. Don't get me wrong, like every couple we have our moments, but these tend to stem from a misunderstanding due to my mood or my anxiety. I might think Charlotte is mad at me, or Charlotte may believe I am mad at her, when really Charlotte has had a stressful day and I am frustrated because I can't express my feelings or my brain has stopped mid sentence or I am frustrated that I am stuck in this shitty situation. Saying this, we never go to bed angry because our belief is "life is too short".
You may wonder why I am rambling on about my one true love. The truth is that depression and anxiety, whilst having a massive impact on how close we are, have also got in the way too. Being in love whilst one of the couple suffers with depression/anxiety is bloody hard work. Why? It is hard to explain at times but I will give it a go.
First of all, I don't like to share. I feel like a burden. I don't the thought of someone else being burdened by my thoughts/feelings and I feel selfish when I share. We all know that one of the biggest things in a relationship is the importance of sharing and being open. It took me longer then it would most people to share with Charlotte because I love her so much that I don't want to be the thing or person that makes her sad in any way. Secondly, I have been hurt a lot in the past. I have been the person that someone doesn't want, but that they also don't want anyone else to have. This has happened to me more then once and because of this I fear being hurt. I have felt deep pain before now and it terrifies me to be completely open because what if it happens again? My brain is on overdrive most of the time, and it rarely focusses on what I wish it would. For example, in a crowd of people I will notice the 1 person out of 20 who is point me out to make a joke, rather than the beautiful person smiling at me, telling me it is okay, telling me they think I am beautiful. My anxiety sometimes means that going out can be difficult because I am on edge. I have panic attacks which can lead to asthma attacks or I can completely shut down and become very quiet and not really speak.
Having depression and anxiety and spending as much time together as myself and Charlotte do means that I am exposing the rawest part of me, and that is painful to me as, like I said before, I do not wish to be a burden.
Now, imagine trying to have a normal, run of the mill relationship whilst dealing with excess tears, huge walls that need to be broken down and extreme anxiety that can cause me to question everything as I know it. Also imagine that Charlotte hasn't had depression/anxiety before, so is having to deal with all of this whilst learning about two serious illness just to keep up with me. Sounds tough, right?
Well here is where I get gush again, because Charlotte has been nothing short of incredible. Not only does her beautiful spirit and outlook keep me going, but her desperation to help me beat this illness means that we share more than I have with anyone else before. A wall that was once so high that the thought of breaking it down on my own left me in tears is broken down in one fell swoop by Charlotte and her words of encouragement and although I may still feel the pain where that wall once existed, Charlotte is always there to hand me painkillers in the form of a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. Charlotte gets me to talk about self harm with her when she can tell it is on my mind, and when I struggle to express myself she tells me it's okay and waits patiently as it takes me days/weeks/months to find a way to say how I feel. You may think I'm cheesy writing all this, telling you that Charlotte is my best friend and one true love, but it is all true.
I started this blog for myself. I wanted to try and express some of my feelings and try and help others in the process. Well this post is about more then that. It is a thank you. A thank you to an incredible girl who has been so incredibly patient, so unbelievably strong and so bloody brilliant with this girl who doesn't know where she would be without her. So thank you Charlotte, my beautiful girl.
If you are lucky enough to have a Charlotte in your life, whether your Charlotte comes in the form of a friend, a boyfriend, a mother or father, a best friend or sister, go and thank them now. Tell them how much you love them and how thankful you are for them, and if they ask "where has this come from?" say "I needed you to know".
My anxiety means that sometimes I question whether or not Charlotte knows how thankful I am for her and how much I love her. On Sunday 30th September at 3:20pm my anxiety was shut up forever when Charlotte asked me a very important question that made me know that she knows...
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| I SAID YES! |
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| Celebrating in Style! |
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| CHEERS everyone! |
That's right ladies and gentle folk, this ball of emotion has a wedding to plan!! So thank you Charlotte, for always putting my mind at ease, for trying to understand me when I don't really understand myself most if the time, and for giving me an incredibly happy memory as I battle through some of my darkest memories to try and get well. Thank you for being my rock in this storm, my inspiration to carry on and always there for me. I love you beautiful girl.
As always, thanks for reading everyone and thanks for bearing with on the post front...as you can probably tell I have been a bit busy celebrating!
Chin up, and if you need me I am always here,
Rebecca :)
p.s. Charlotte beat me too it by two weeks...at least I know she will say yes when I ask...or I hope so! (Damn anxiety strikes again)!
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