Firstly, may I start by saying that I do not wish to upset anyone with this post. You ave to understand that it is difficult for me to write this, but it has taken me a while to come to terms with what I feel and as difficult as I find it writing things down actually seems to help in some ways. Secondly, I apologise for the lack of posts. I have been feeling particularly bad recently, but not really known how to explain what I feel.
Now, if you know me, you know that I am the sort of person who would do anything for anyone. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet. What I am saying here is not to make me look like a good person or to "big me up". If you know me at all you know I have no interest in myself. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for the people I care about, actually even for people I don't even know. I buy homeless people food, I donate to charity, I try and stand up for others. I just want everyone to be happy and healthy.
Bearing all that in mind, and knowing that if I saw others do what I do I would think of them as a good person, a worthy person, it is still difficult for me to think of myself in that way. I just don't like to think about myself. I don't care for myself. So when people say "you're so nice", "that is so lovely" and give me other compliments, it is difficult for me to hear because I don't feel that way.
I feel like a horrible person. I honestly don't feel like I deserve happiness. Or friendship. Or love. I mean come on, there is no way I deserve someone as incredible as Charlotte in my life. No way at all.
I'm saying this, because this is how I feel, not because I want you to tell me otherwise and certainly not because I want attention. I feel like a despicable human, even when everyone around me tells me that I am not. Recently this feeling derives from something. For the first time in a long time I've been able to place a finger on what is making me feel this way and here it is.
I have sever depressive disorder, mixed anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. You know that because I have told you. Whether in this blog, verbally, through a text or an e-mail, a conversation or because I have had to explain myself to you. I am ill. Like really, really unwell. You all know that.
I have been signed off for months now. Something which quiet a lot of you know. Something you don't know is that I quit my job because I felt guilty being paid sickness benefit from a school when I had been given medical advice stating that I may not be ready for work until the summer term 2016. That is a lot of time off work. This is a lot of time off sick when children could be benefiting from the money I was taking. Granted it wasn't a lot. Half of a part time wage is not a lot of money, but I felt so guilty and so poorly that I thought "what is the lesser of two evils here?" and felt it right to quit.
I am not eligible for any benefit because I quit. I currently cannot afford to live so have had to get a part time, 2 month contract job in retail to take me into the New Year. If I don't feel better in the New Year and if I get through the next two months without quitting, I should be eligible for benefit. I can hear you all thinking "Well that is good news isn't it?", "2 months will fly by", "you can do this".
Ever since I got this job I feel like everyone is just expecting me to be so much better and those who haven't expected me to be better have just said "just push through, push it down and plough on". As if I haven't been doing that this whole time. As if pushing down my feelings isn't what made me ill in the first place. As if this whole time I have been off I haven't been trying to get better. As if I'm not ill, i'm just lazy.
Well I have been trying. Every day is like being punched in the gut repeatedly, but I get up and I carry on. I make birthday cakes for people, I go to band jobs when I feel like i'd rather curl up and die, I breath. I keep breathing.
What people don't seem to understand is that the thought of getting through 2 months is terrifying to me because to me, the thought of getting through a day seems improbable, getting through a week seems impossible and getting through a month feels like climbing a mountain.
It's taken me a while to understand this but...I AM NOT FUCKING WELL. It is not healthy to feel how I feel, it is not normal to think about killing yourself every day and it is not okay to think that the world would be better off without you.
The thing is, the only people who truly know that I am still not okay are Charlotte and Hayley because they live with me. They see me everyday and see me at my lowest. I could write a million blog posts but you would not understand what this feels like.
You'll notice this post is called "loneliness and being a bad person". That's because I'm fucking lonely and I resent the fact that since I've become ill I've not had a single person say "get well soon" and that makes me feel like a bad person because as a caring person I understand people have their own stuff going on in their lives so I shouldn't expect people to be there for me.
Depression is an illness like any other. Anxiety is an illness like any other. PTSD is an illness like any other. And by any other I mean like any other PHYSICAL illness. I don't expect get well soon cards and grapes, all I want is for people to realise that mental illness is just as bad as physical illness.
It just sucks that I had to leave a job working with people I really got on with after a year because of an illness and now I don't know if I can get in touch with people I consider good friends because I haven't heard from them and I'm frightened to message them because I think they will be mad at me for leaving and it's been so long now that I feel like they will have moved on. I think of them every day. I miss them every day. It sucks.
It just sucks that I feel like I cannot talk to friends and loved ones because I don't want to hurt them or upset them by talking about how I feel so I haven't spoken to some of them in a while because I know I cannot be there for them fully at this time and that upsets me because I like to think that I am there for my friends whenever they need me.
It just sucks that Charlotte is as heavily effected by all of this as I am because I cry into her arms daily and I can see the pain in her eyes as I do so and it kills me to think that I am upsetting her. It kills me to think that she is burned with all of this because she is my best friend as well as the love of my life and my house mate. This is a lot for one person to be.
It just sucks that I have so many people I consider best/close/good friends but because I don't live near any of them, have £10 to my name so cannot afford to see them and I don't want to be a burden that I have left myself with no one. I have not seen anyone I can talk too other than Charlotte and my councillor in almost 2 months and that just sucks.
I'm not one for feeling sorry for myself. I don't like it. At all. Right now I don't feel sorry for myself I am just depressed and angry.
I am angry because the world we live in still does not recognise depression as as serious as it is and because of that people don't feel the need to ask me if I am okay.
I am so bloody lonely, and I'm a bad person for feeling that way because you all have your stuff and i'm not owed anything.
I just want a friend. No I don't want a friend, I have loads of fantastic friends. I NEED a friend, and there is a big difference.
If any of this has upset you I am sorry. I'm so so sorry. I honestly wish I didn't feel this way but I do.
I just really need a friend.
I'm sorry again, really I am.
Take care,
Rebecca. :)
p.s. If you know someone who is struggling with mental illness please just ask them if they want a catch up. And at that catch up ask them if they are okay. I'm guilty of this too, so right here and now i'm asking, who needs a catch up?
p.p.s. sorry if this upset you, i know i'm a bad person i'm sorry.
