Of course it upsets me...I just don't allow myself to feel.

I speak of the days I spent tortured by bullies very bluntly. I can recall hundreds of accounts of bullying, all which make people gasp, some which even make others cry to hear, but I speak of them bluntly. As emotionless as I possibly can be. I always evoke two responses after I have told my tales of woe; "It breaks my heart that this happens to you and I wan't there to stop it" and "aren't you angry or upset by it all". My answers have always remained the same until now; "It's okay, it's not like you are to blame" and "life is too short to waste time worrying about the past".

Today I plan on telling the truth for the first time...

In all honesty, I don't allow myself to feel when it comes to discussing things such as bullying. If I allowed myself to feel I would be left with such excruciating pain I fear it. I fear the pain it may cause. I have often been heard to say "you have to either laugh or cry", but I can't even do that when it comes to my past. Laughter would be out of the question and I fear I would be able to drown in tears if I let myself.

So I don't.

Truth be told, I don't allow myself to have any feelings toward myself at all. I do not care about myself. I do not allow myself to care about myself. Why?

Because it would be too hard, it would be too heartbreaking to.

I know that some people will have cried at my blog posts. I know that some have cried to my face when I have told them my stories. Now imagine that a friend or loved one feels that deeply about something that hasn't happened to them it upsets them, then imagine what it must be like for me, as the person it happened too. Lets do a little experiment to prove my point. I will tell you about a time I was bullied, and if you feel anything, imagine how I must feel and then tell me if you think it would be easy for me.

Here goes:

I was bullied a lot in secondary school. By that I mean the years in which I attended secondary school, not just the place. No, I was the target of bullying from the moment I left home in the morning to the moment I got back. To point where I began being dropped off at school at 7:30 in the morning whilst my amazing mum was on her way to school and then would wait until 5:30 in the evening to be picked up, when my amazing mum would be on her way home from work. One incident on the bus was the final straw to make me change the length of my day so drastically.

My morning bus ride had been pretty much the same as usual. The same people (everyone) calling me the same names (every insult you can relate to being about being fat and/or gay) whilst I had things thrown at me like spit balls, pieces of paper set on fire, rubbish etc. After this journey I decided to take a later bus home then usual. I waited in the library until 4 and got the 4:45 bus. On this bus were three young lads in the same uniform as I. As I sat down they moved from the back of the bus to seats opposite/in front of me. They then spent the next 15 minutes throwing pennies at me and through tears of laughter shouting "buy yourself something nice for valentines day 'cos no one else ever will you fat cow. heifer. ugly fuck." I tried not to cry, I chocked back tears as I kept being hit in the face by their coin tosses. At one point the driver threatened to throw them off, he physically stopped the bus to shout at the boys (wow someone was ACTUALLY sticking up for ME), but if anything it made them worse.

When I got off the bus I walked to a quite space and sobbed to myself before making myself look presentable and walking home. Then I swallowed my pride and tried to forget it. But I couldn't. You can't. You can't forget when someone says such horrible things about you. You cannot forget when someone says you should die because you are a waste of oxygen. You cannot forget being told to kill yourself because you offend someones eyes.

Now, go back to before when I asked you to imagine what I would feel, if I let myself feel, based on what you feel after reading this. You can't can you?

I shall tell you. It's bloody awful. When I let myself feel for myself it is dark, twisty, scary, terrifying, loud and bloody scary. So for years now I haven't let myself feel or care about myself. I have thundered on. Through secondary school. Through college. Through Uni. Into adulthood. And what am I left with? I am a broken shell of someone I might have once known and loved. I spend days so emotionally broken I cannot function. I cannot function because I won't allow myself to feel properly. I don't really know where all my pain comes from because I have spent years of my life perfecting the art of hiding my pain and blocking out my memories.

I am trying to reach into the darkness and face head on some very heartbreaking memories but it is hard. It drains me. Mentally and physically drain me.

But I am trying.

I am trying to feel better. I am trying to be better. I am trying to let myself feel again. More then that I am trying to let myself care about myself. To live I have to care about myself and it is a terrifying  thought because I'm not too sure that I want to care about me...I think it will be too upsetting to care about me. But I will continue to try.

So please bare with me. This could get messy.

Thanks for reading and keep smiling,

Rebecca :)

P.S. If you or anyone you know is suffering from bullying in any capacity, ask them to speak up and support them while they do. I didn't have any fight left in me when I tried to speak up, please don't let others go through this. Please.

It isn't always easy...but it is always amazing.

I am fortunate enough to be able to say I am madly in love with someone who loves me back.  It is an incredible feeling to find your one true love, your soul mate, whatever you want to call your significant other. My significant other is the beautiful Charlotte.

Myself and Charlotte have been together 19 months and have known each other for 2 years. In our time together we have been through things that some married couples may not have even faced. Well that is what my councillor tells me. Charlotte has seen the best of me, I like to believe she brings the best out of me, but Charlotte has also seen me at rock bottom. During our time together I have had some of the darkest days of my life. There have been days when Charlotte has had to pick me up off the floor and hold me whilst I sob. There sometimes is no reason for my tears, or I can't explain the pain I feel, Charlotte only holds me tighter. I always apologise as I hate the thought of hurting her, but I know that every time I cry it pains her. Sometimes we end up crying together, and it ends up being a massive circle of tears as I cry when Charlotte cries and Charlotte cries when I cry.

Now you may be reading this and thinking "soft sod's", but the truth is, our relationship is very strong because of our ability to confide in each other and that is what I believe set's us apart. Don't get me wrong, like every couple we have our moments, but these tend to stem from a misunderstanding due to my mood or my anxiety. I might think Charlotte is mad at me, or Charlotte may believe I am mad at her, when really Charlotte has had a stressful day and I am frustrated because I can't express my feelings or my brain has stopped mid sentence or I am frustrated that I am stuck in this shitty situation. Saying this, we never go to bed angry because our belief is "life is too short".

You may wonder why I am rambling on about my one true love. The truth is that depression and anxiety, whilst having a massive impact on how close we are, have also got in the way too. Being in love whilst one of the couple suffers with depression/anxiety is bloody hard work. Why? It is hard to explain at times but I will give it a go.

First of all, I don't like to share. I feel like a burden. I don't the thought of someone else being burdened by my thoughts/feelings and I feel selfish when I share. We all know that one of the biggest things in a relationship is the importance of sharing and being open. It took me longer then it would most people to share with Charlotte because I love her so much that I don't want to be the thing or person that makes her sad in any way. Secondly, I have been hurt a lot in the past. I have been the person that someone doesn't want, but that they also don't want anyone else to have. This has happened to me more then once and because of this I fear being hurt. I have felt deep pain before now and it terrifies me to be completely open because what if it happens again? My brain is on overdrive most of the time, and it rarely focusses on what I wish it would. For example, in a crowd of people I will notice the 1 person out of 20 who is point me out to make a joke, rather than the beautiful person smiling at me, telling me it is okay, telling me they think I am beautiful. My anxiety sometimes means that going out can be difficult because I am on edge. I have panic attacks which can lead to asthma attacks or I can completely shut down and become very quiet and not really speak.

Having depression and anxiety and spending as much time together as myself and Charlotte do means that I am exposing the rawest part of me, and that is painful to me as, like I said before, I do not wish to be a burden.

Now, imagine trying to have a normal, run of the mill relationship whilst dealing with excess tears, huge walls that need to be broken down and extreme anxiety that can cause me to question everything as I know it. Also imagine that Charlotte hasn't had depression/anxiety before, so is having to deal with all of this whilst learning about two serious illness just to keep up with me. Sounds tough, right?

Well here is where I get gush again, because Charlotte has been nothing short of incredible. Not only does her beautiful spirit and outlook keep me going, but her desperation to help me beat this illness means that we share more than I have with anyone else before. A wall that was once so high that the thought of breaking it down on my own left me in tears is broken down in one fell swoop by Charlotte and her words of encouragement and although I may still feel the pain where that wall once existed, Charlotte is always there to hand me painkillers in the form of a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. Charlotte gets me to talk about self harm with her when she can tell it is on my mind, and when I struggle to express myself she tells me it's okay and waits patiently as it takes me days/weeks/months to find a way to say how I feel. You may think I'm cheesy writing all this, telling you that Charlotte is my best friend and one true love, but it is all true. 

I started this blog for myself. I wanted to try and express some of my feelings and try and help others in the process. Well this post is about more then that. It is a thank you. A thank you to an incredible girl who has been so incredibly patient, so unbelievably strong and so bloody brilliant with this girl who doesn't know where she would be without her. So thank you Charlotte, my beautiful girl. 

If you are lucky enough to have a Charlotte in your life, whether your Charlotte comes in the form of a friend, a boyfriend, a mother or father, a best friend or sister, go and thank them now. Tell them how much you love them and how thankful you are for them, and if they ask "where has this come from?" say "I needed you to know".

My anxiety means that sometimes I question whether or not Charlotte knows how thankful I am for her and how much I love her. On Sunday 30th September at 3:20pm my anxiety was shut up forever when Charlotte asked me a very important question that made me know that she knows...

I SAID YES!

Celebrating in Style!

CHEERS everyone!

 That's right ladies and gentle folk, this ball of emotion has a wedding to plan!! So thank you Charlotte, for always putting my mind at ease, for trying to understand me when I don't really understand myself most if the time, and for giving me an incredibly happy memory as I battle through some of my darkest memories to try and get well. Thank you for being my rock in this storm, my inspiration to carry on and always there for me. I love you beautiful girl.

As always, thanks for reading everyone and thanks for bearing with on the post front...as you can probably tell I have been a bit busy celebrating!

Chin up, and if you need me I am always here,

Rebecca :)

p.s. Charlotte beat me too it by two weeks...at least I know she will say yes when I ask...or I hope so! (Damn anxiety strikes again)!