For those who like to have a peek at this blog from time to time you will have noticed I haven't been around for a while. For those who don't, it's true. I haven't posted since October 2015. It's only been four months but I've sort of missed it. There is a reason I haven't written in a while though...
I've not know what to say.
People often ask me if i'm okay, and I say "yes" because it is easier then "I don't know" or "not really, no". Before I go on I feel I need to catch you up on the events of the last few months.
So to catch you up on my life:
- I got a part time job in October. (WOO)
- I knew the contract was to finish in December. (BOO)
- I had an awesome Christmas with my family, friends and fiancé.
The truth is that in the space of 2-3 months I worked at a job I loved with people who were great and I got paid. I worked reasonable hours so I managed to establish a routine and it was Christmas so I got to do A LOT of banding too.
Then it ended.
It ended and i'm now, as well as jobless, penniless, routine-less and because it isn't the run up to Christmas I don't get the added bonus of a chocolate every day for 25 days. ( I once had an advent calendar with chocolates until New Years Eve! 31 Chocolates!! Bliss!!) I digress! My point is that very quickly I have gone from starting to get back on track, starting to get some form of normality to my life to not. Not having any of it.
Now I know what some of you are thinking. "That's what you get when you take on Christmas sales work". Fair point. But for me it was more then 'just a job'. I was a starting to get some normality back in my life and I think, naively, I thought that would start to make my mental health better. To the point where I thought the job would finish and then I would be stronger, so I would feel better able to apply for full time work and I WOULD find something because I'm willing and able, right? I said I was naive for a reason.
The week of christmas, after a bout of the flu, a lingering chest infection and many a migraine, myself and my doctor decided to change my medication. In retrospect changing my meds the week of Christmas was THE MOST STUPID thing I have agreed to do in a while. Christmas is an emotional time as it is, without the added pressure of small doses of new meds! Cue breakdown central! I did manage to sort of keep it together, except on boxing day when access to my dads and charlotte's family boxing day was blocked by flooded roads. To cut a long story short, I was going to have to leave my dad alone at Christmas and couldn't get to Charlotte's family get together where I was supposed to meet family I hadn't met before and had been gearing myself up for because it takes a lot of energy to be okay. We managed to get to my dads later in the day but still couldn't get to the get together, it sucked but what could we do? I'm just glad that all my family and friends were okay during the whole flood situation. Anyways, digressing again, my point is that I had a major meltdown on boxing day.
Ever since I seem to be living from breakdown to breakdown.
My latest breakdown was yesterday. I went to Mind in Harrogate to seek advice about benefits because i'm too anxious to go to the job centre myself after 1 bad experience. I cried at this poor woman for ten minutes before I could actually get to the point. She didn't seem to mind though. I even ended up having dinner there and met some of the other mind visitors. Everyone was lovely.
As you have probably noticed by now, I am very rambly (not a word but moving on) on my new meds. I am also ravenous all the time, have vivid dreams/nightmares and I am quite fidgety. At the moment they don't seem to be helping much, but hopefully they will in time.
My worst breakdown so far resulted in me sitting on the floor crying and begging Charlotte to let me cut myself. She held me and let me cry and I didn't cut. I realised yesterday that it is 5 years in May since I last cut myself. I think about it everyday. I want to do it everyday. It never leaves you.
I haven't actually mentioned that now that I am jobless I sit at home every day applying for jobs...On my own. I have my first conversation at about 5:30pm everyday. It's not healthy and it's not helping.
I tend to snap or be "a bit off" when I have that first conversation. It's hard to explain, but going from the silence of being on your own to the noise of having people around, usually quite suddenly, is difficult and sometimes I just don't know how to react. I find myself constantly apologising for talking because i'm so used to the silence and I can feel myself being a miserable fucking arsehole.
I have days where I hate that I breath. Other days seem to pass by idly whilst the only thing that make's them interesting is the rejection e-mails. I apply for jobs that I'm terrified of getting because it's so long since i've had an intelligent conversation that i'm scared of fucking up. I cry when my computer crashes and can only think that technology hates me, further projecting the idea that I am an awful human who can't see to do anything right. I desperately apply for jobs that aren't feasible: I mean how is 4 hours cleaning in a country house going to pay the bills, really?! I then get upset when I get a rejection from them. Am I not even good enough to do THAT?! So I give up for another day. Only after I have applied for AT LEAST 4 jobs because 4 is an even number and if it's not an even number it's not right.
I'm at the lowest i've been in five years.
And to top it all off, I can't afford counselling anymore and the waiting list is so long that by the time I get counselling I could have killed myself off in my head millions of times.
I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm frightened. I'm confused.
Ask me again how I am?
I'm fine.
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